By Karyn Polewaczyk, Oct 13, 2009

Due to a reproductive disorder, I was faced with the prospect of not being able to conceive biological children at a very early age, and thus decided to grieve the loss of not having children at an early age. Ironically, though, I, too, have never been completely sold on having children - I even said things like this in high school, way before I was diagnosed with endometriosis - and given that my system has already given me so much emotional and physical pain, I don't know if it's a choice I want to make. I'm open to the concept of adoption, but feel that having children is a decision I'd want to be 110% sure about before moving forward.

I agree that it's not just annoying - it's infuriating - when people push their birthing agendas upon you. There are so many factors that go into the equation, that it seems almost ridiculous that someone would even dare to cross that line. Having children, getting married, owning a house - these are all choices that may work for some, and they may not work for others. Plain and simple.

By Lalyn M, Oct 14, 2009

Yeah, I have the same inquiries, pressures and even weird pauses whenever my answers are any of the following;

a. I don't have enough energy, resources and support system to raise a kid in this country.

b. Can't have kids yet, busy establishing a career first.

c. Hubby and I are not ready yet.

d. The earth is so over populated already.

There are always the pressure about biological clock and not having visitors when your old and frail living at a retirement home. Which I usually answer with, what's the use of living will, medical directives and end of life planning then? Are we not supposed to be the one planning for that or is it the duty of our potential kids? This is when I get the weird pause or silence.

I like kids and even have maternal urges but I have seen many unhappy kids in my life that I kind of want to really think about it and re-examine my real agenda of having a baby, how to deliver a baby in a more holistic way, how to raise them properly, how to not disappoint or burden them with future expectations. It is overwhelming! I don't think I'll have the energy, really. That's why I always admire brave moms and dads out there. Bless their heart and may the force be with them.

By Lisa B, Oct 15, 2009

As a 53 year old woman who never gave birth, maybe I can help. I was a career woman and now I am not. Still not worried that I never gave birth. At 45, my then husband passed away. Horrible and sad, but I did not regret the fact that we had a lovely life together without children. For the past 10 years, I have been with a man who had two sons. My stepsons are one of the great gifts I have been given and because I had no children previously, our relationship is deep and quite simple. Still no regrets. Be true to yourself every minute of your life. Make the best decision you can at the moment and don't worry about what might have been or what might be.

By Cheryl W, Oct 15, 2009

Great comments. I am 53 and childless by choice. I agree whole heartedly with each lady's response here. I have NO REGRETS. The only thing I have to plan for is who will help me when I am to old to be left alone. I never had any mother instinct for humans BUT most people who know me say I am very much a "Mother Nature" type. In the last 7 years I have devoted myself to baby animals, in particular sheep. I find bottle feeding and hand raising sheep and goats extremely rewarding and not once have I wanted a human baby. I enjoy the freedom to come and go, and do as I please far to much. I did get some child rearing under my belt, my third husband had 2 children that were 8 and 10 when I married him and we had them every other weekend and every Wednesday night as so many divorced families do. That more than confirmed that I made the right choice to not have children of my own. The complications of having additional children on my side either from a previous marriage or with that husband would NOT have been easy. And, Yes, people did comment about the ticking clock, and ask when I was going to have my own. I simply told them the truth....that I don't like babies. I feel they have to like me for who I am ...or NOT. If someone finds that offensive, I probably would not have enough in common with them to call them a friend anyway.

By cnyspagirl, Oct 15, 2009

You're right Christina - it does tend to be a taboo subject. It's a very personal decision and is also very private - but yet no one hesitates to ask the question "when are you planning on having kids?" or worse, when you go to a baby shower and you are asked "are you next?"

So at the risk of opening myself up to criticism, here goes some thoughts on this subject.

When I first met my husband, his sister and sister in law (both married) immediately started asking when we were getting engaged. When we got engaged, they began pressing us for a wedding date. We were barely down the aisle yet (OK, a bit of an exaggeration) when they wanted to know - you guessed it, when we'd be having kids. By then, they each had 2-3 kids.

So here's my take on this. Once people find themselves married, they tend to want to generate interest among others to get married too. Now maybe this is because they think that marriage is sooooo wonderful, they just want everybody to be as happy as they are. But I also think that there is a little bit of another type of mentality going on too - maybe marriage is a bit tough, or a bit limiting (duh, right?) or no doubt you have less freedom - an people want their friends to join that club too.

Then, the children are born. And children are, no doubt, WAY bigger of an adjustment than marriage is. So now talk about freedom being limited and not being able to do what you want, when you want to - now it's really important to have others join that boat with you.

Having two kids was always in the plan. But I loved my "dual income, no kids" married life, it became so easy NOT to try for a child. But a deal is a deal, so I took the leap into motherhood not quite 4 years after our wedding. It took me a very long time to stop mourning the loss of my old life - years, in fact.

Many of our friends had children who were older than ours so we were always out of sync. Our son was in diapers, their kids were school age. Our son is school age, their kids are in high school and college. At ages 40 (me) and 50 (husband), many of our friends and acquaintances are experiencing empty nest syndrome as their kids go off to college and we still have a 2nd grader. then he got out of diapers, off formula, out of a crib and reached so many "milestones", we started to get some of our old life back. I had no interest in having a second child, so we stopped at one. For me, this is a fantastic compromise. I have a child who is the center of our universe, BUT still get to have experiences that don't solely revolve around raising children because we don't have the expense and time commitment of multiple children.

And about that biological clock? It's not like it used to be. Women are waiting longer and longer to have children. With modern science, just about anything is possible. Don't let that rush your decision and more importantly, don't let the repeated question make you feel bad or pressured. When you are asked the dreaded question, come up with a great response that will shut em up and shut em down. It really is a very private matter.

By Kel in Boston, Oct 16, 2009

There are some really good books out there on this subject, but I think the majority of key points are already raised by the comments above.

For me, I'm childfree (not childless) at this point by choice. At some point, under the right circumstances, I'd like to have a kid. But that point may or may not come. Until then, I consider myself childfree. It's a more positive term, and it implies 'choice' as opposed to having the situation forced on you.

A good friend of mine is VERY articulate and open about her choice to be childfree. When people ask her, 'oh, do you have children?' she replies, 'no, I have disposable income.'

That usually shuts them right up. :>

By The Barefoot Sage, Oct 19, 2009

Love this topic, Christina.

Don't let anyone tell you what you are supposed to feel or not feel. Ooops I just told you what to do ;)

There are many people who do not want children. Unfortunately, more than actually remain childless. Too many people give in to pressure and expectations and all - the children, the parents and society - suffer from the result.

If people really love children they will stop expecting everyone to have them. They will want them to be born into homes where they are wanted and the parents have the skills to care for them.

Kids are not the greatest thing on earth for everyone. For some they are simply a drain, a distraction, an obligation, a last attempt at keeping a relationship together, etc.

With an overpopulated planet and the environmental price of having children it would be nice if more people would actually put as much time into making the decision of having a child as they put into what car to buy.

My personal childfree story - I have never wanted to have children. I have often enjoyed working with them; especially older ones. When I was younger (and occasionally still) I received the ignorant comments about how that will change. At 38, I still enjoy kids and I still do not want to have any. No regrets here.

By Kimberly C, Nov 01, 2009

People who press others to have children often don't look beyond the biological process to what it truly means to be a parent. Men and women often rush into marriage with the goal of "having a family" without taking the time to carefully think about whether that partnership would in fact provide the foundation necessary upon which to build a healthy happy family. . I've heard more than on man complain that the women look at them as nothing more than a wallet and a sperm bank. Even if you truly love someone, that doesn't mean they will be a good parent. Sometimes I think people rush to having children because they haven't pursued other passions that would provide meaning to their lives.

By sally a, Nov 10, 2009

This topic is very compelling. As a long time single senior mother of three I have to put in a word about "been there done that". No it is not easy being a mom. It is not always very rewarding. It limits you in many ways. On the other hand when you watch those children grow and develop into amazing people it makes your heart sing and all the sacrifices are well worth it. Had I decided never to have children I would not now have the amazing joy and honor of having a daughter like Christina. Think twice about this decision...

By Sara S, Nov 17, 2009

Well it looks like I may be one of quite a different response on this subject!

I am a 30 year old mother of 3 young boys. They are the absolute love of my life. You just can't ever know how you will feel about a child unless you have one. It's life changing, amazing, wonderful, honestly, there is no better thing on this earth. Honestly.

However, that said, if a child is truly something you have no no no desire for, then please, don't have one. And if by "chance" you do, please give them to someone who wants one so desperately and can't because of physical limitations.

I hope to have more. If I didn't gain more weight than healthy when pregnant, I would be completely quiver full and let God give them to me whenever. I have never taken an artificial mean of birth control and will never surgical alter my beautifully functioning female organs, which is as UN NATURAL as I could ever think, for simply preventing a miracle. A child. If it were for health reasons, of course that would be a different story.

There is no better euphoria than delivering a baby. You wlll never forget where you were when you felt that first contraction, what you were watching, listening to, the aroma of the air, the temperature. It is just amazing. There is no love like that of a child for you and no love like the love you have for your child.

Once your career, figure, beauty have passed...children will be there, their love, their companionship, their visits, and that love will continue as they bring grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc into your life.

The world will not be overpopulated. Eventually no matter what we do, this earth will be no more. Why don't we enjoy it while it's here.

By Kimberly C, Dec 03, 2009

I think it's wrong to assume that a woman who chooses not to have children lacks a maternal instinct. People go on about the amazing love you feel when you hold your own child in your arms. I would argue that for some it is possible to feel that love when they see children who are already here who need to be mothered.

I used to work at a GED school with teenagers who had been kicked out of public schools, many of whom had parents who did not care about them. That experience led me to make the choice that whatever resources I had to nurture a human being would go to children who were already here and alone. Biology doesn't always dictate a strong connection and if extended our concept of love beyond those who are in our immediate circle, this might be a more loving world in general.

By RJM, Jan 13, 2010

Very much appreciate this topic being raised and the candor and generosity of all the responses. For a myriad of reasons there has not been any responses from men.... please allow me to be the first.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I recall my male friends started discussing marriage and family - having children - and while the marriage part resonated with me - the having children part did not - and it never has... it was never a choice made it was simply a given... the thought/idea of wanting to have children never resonated with me. Those “cells” were absent. And that has not changed as the years have passed.

Have to admit that as I approached my thirties for a time I often questioned my "motives." Yet with all the questioning the bottom line never changed - while I could have children - I had no desire to have children.

While in my thirties a new set of single and married friends entered my circle and many had the drive to have children and I would often feel like an alien in their presence. They could not comprehend my lack of desire and I could not resonate with their desire to propagate.

Well here I am many years later and have no remorse about my decision. I trust all my friends are happy with their chose’s… and my best wishes to their children… and if they choose… their children’s children.

By Ruth O, Feb 18, 2010

You should have kids if you want them, and NOT have them if it isn't what you want to commit yourself to for (potentially) the rest of your life. There are already too many people on the planet...nobody should be feeling pressure to have children that they don't really want to have! This is the modern world...going childless is a perfectly acceptable choice!